OFTEN FRIENDS AND FAMILY WANT TO SUPPORT BUT DON'T KNOW HOW.

Don't say things like, "Call me if you need anything" or "Just let me know if I can help."  Your loved one is already under an extremely heavy mental and emotional load dealing with the loss.  They need help, but may not be able to articulate the need. Make very specific offerings and let your loved one accept or decline.  See examples below.

Often friends and family simply don't acknowledge a miscarriage as a real loss.  But for some parents, nothing could be further from the truth.  If you are aware that someone has experienced a loss, don't ignore it.  Don't be afraid to offer a kind word of condolence or comfort just as you would with any other loss.  However be mindful of the following when you speak of the loss:

• DON'T say things like, "Well you can just try again" or "You can always have another one."  While that may be true, it also minimizes the actual loss to something that can be easily replaced and that simply isn't true.  No pregnancy can replace another. Instead say things like, "I'm sorry for your loss." Or, "This is so difficult, I'm sorry you are going through this."
• DON'T say things like, "Everything happens for a reason", "God doesn't make mistakes", or "God knows best."  Even for those who are deeply religious, a period of time is needed to heal and process the loss.  Instead say things like, "I'm praying for you." or "I'm here for you."
• DON'T ask if she's trying again or if she's pregnant a few weeks or months after the loss (or ever really).  Allow her to share that information if she wants to.  Recovery from a miscarriage or pregnancy loss often takes  much longer than people realize.  She may not be emotionally ready or physically able to try again.  Instead encourage her to rest and take as much time as needed to fully heal.  

After a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, comfort measures are often completely directed to the mother.  While the mom does need a level of care, especially physical, that the dad does not, be sensitive to the fact that the father of the loss child might also be experiencing a deep sense of grief.  Often the father is tasked with carrying the load of the home while the mother recovers.  He will also need support and time to rest and heal.  

• Offer to come sit with the mom for a few hours so he can take a rest or go clear his head.  Sitting with the mom just means being in the house and available if she needs anything.  Allow her to sleep, be silent, or alone in another room if that's what she wants.  Express to both mom and dad that you don't need to be entertained. You just want to be there.

• You should address cards and other gifts to both parents.

Your loved one might not have a large appetite, but they will need or want to eat at some point.  

• Offer to bring a specific food on a specific day and time.  For example, "I'll stop by tomorrow at 5pm with some soup, OK?" Make it clear that your offer to deliver food does not mean you automatically plan to stay for a visit. You can stay if they want, but you're perfectly happy to deliver and leave.

• Offer to have food delivered. For example, "If you're not up for company, I totally understand.  I'll have some pizza delivered around 4pm tomorrow after the kids get home from school so you don't have to worry about dinner and you can continue to rest.  OK?"

• Give gift cards to restaurants they like or to food delivery services such as DoorDash.  You don't need an OK for this.  Food will be needed at some point and the gift card gives them the flexibility to use it when they need to. You can purchase many gift cards online and send them electronically.  

If your loved one has other children who live in the home (even if they are older), offer help so that they can rest without the guilt of feeling that their other kids are not getting what they need.

• Offer to handle drop-offs or pick-ups.  For example, "I'll come take little Joe to school in the morning so you can rest in.  If it's okay, I can pick him up as well.  Sound good?" Or, "I know Michelle has basketball practice after school this week.  How about I pick her up so you can rest?"

• Offer after school help.  For example, "I'll come by tomorrow around 4pm when the kids get home from school to help them with homework and then take them to the park for a while so you can rest.  OK?"

• Offer just get the kids out the house for an activity. For example, "I'll come by at noon Saturday to get the kids..  Don't worry if they aren't dressed when I get there, I'll help them.  Then you can have a break while we go to the movies. OK?"

Your loved one will most likely need a prescription, OTC pain medication, or other items from the store.  You can ask them if they need specific things or you can ask them to make a list. 

Give your loved one time and space to recovery at their own pace and also watch for signs of major depression or PTSD that might require professional help.